I wasn’t there…
He was a continent away and I wasn’t there.
I heard by email.
A shock that rocked my world.
I wasn’t there and couldn’t get to the funeral.
My soulmate had died and I wasn’t there.
To lose someone I loved was so very painful. It changed my future, how I viewed life and who ‘I’ am.
To lose someone I loved when I couldn’t say goodbye was devastating. Not only was I dealing with shock and loss but I also had this nagging feeling that it just wasn’t true. I didn’t have closure. And when it’s a person who was a master at playing elaborate tricks, I kept expecting him to turn up and surprise me.
I am shedding a tear as I write this because I remember how much life and energy he had.
I see the news of people dying alone, isolated from their loved ones, and I recall how I felt not being there at the end and not being there at the funeral.
They say the first stage of moving through grief is acceptance.
I struggled to accept because there was something missing in my attempts to say goodbye –a witnessing of some sort, a belief that he had truly gone.
I share this because someone out there may be experiencing the same thing.
I know the rules are changing (during the Pandemic) and more families are able to be there at the end; yet there will be many who, for whatever reason, don’t get to witness the passing or the funeral of a loved one.
What Can I Share to help?
Find some way of making it real for you so that acceptance comes at a reasonable pace and in grace. It may be something very specific and personal to you (e.g. having your own ceremony). Do whatever works for you.
I hung out in hope for years for that email or knock on the door, wishing it was all one massive prank. No logical reason behind it, just a heart that struggled to let go.
In order to live life again in the way they would have wanted us to, at some point, a letting go takes place. In letting go I got to remember all of the reasons he touched my soul.
Be gentle with yourself.
How Can I Help You?
If you can relate to this article and would like to have an informal chat, please get in touch. I would love to support you.